Category: Nostalgia

My perception of the fluidity of time.

  • On Lost People

    On Lost People

    Some people just vanish into thin air after you’ve come to fancy them. Others don’t exactly vanish but they let something die / break / crystallize in them which makes them unrecognizable. Either way, you lose someone you cared about, a part of yourself and a possibility of being someone different through them.

    There was this one guy from university hostel who used to be up early morning jogging and sparring (Muhammad Ali style) along the Bolan Rd / Indus Loop just when I stretched before my usual 5-miler at the Iqbal Square. On my tempo runs, I would pass him by, grunting out a salam while he carried on boxing with an imaginary rival. Later, our interests converged on a religio-political philosophy thanks to an active proselytizing circle on campus. He was different in some really fundamental way that I can vaguely recall now since it’s been a decade I have seen or talked to him. One thing that I do remember is him being very passionate about Robert Pirsig’s book, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance which struck me as quite an odd thing, and hence, charming. A guy training as an electrical engineer has to be quite extraordinary to find passion in a philosophy book. And to vanish so completely in this age as to not leave a trail.

    Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance quickly became my favorite book too. I am onto reading it for the fourth time as of March 2026.

    I have known other remarkable people who have stuck around only to change so much that they might as well be total strangers. They are old colleagues, fellow bloggers, class fellows, and sometimes, even family. At the risk of appearing needy and clingy, I think you should keep prodding them until you get your person back out of them. Your attempt to connect / reconnect can be spurned or worse, ignored hurting some self-esteem (or whatever it is they call it these days which keeps people from connecting with other people). Doesn’t the myth that most valuable treasures are guarded by most poisonous snakes teach some valuable lesson? One must ask oneself what’s more important in the long run; false satisfaction of a misplaced ego or a cherished life-long connection. That’s coming from an introvert btw if that adds any more weight to it.

  • On Sea and Nostalgia

    On Sea and Nostalgia

    The Nani Ami’s house turns dark and cold in Karachi’s winters. Back in childhood, I could not imagine that sunlight would ever go scarce in a house that had large open verandahs on its front and back. When we visited from South Punjab during summers, the image of white curtains and bedsheets fluttering in the seawind breezing through Nani Ami’s west-open house that lay before us drenched in a nice warm tinge always cast a spell on me and promised a summer filled with adventure.

    Times have changed and Karachi’s uncontrollable Frankenstein of commercialization has successfully turned the diverse neighborhood of low-walled houses painted in sprightly colors and adorned with trees and leafy plants into ominous uniform megastructures whose bold edifices look cold and alien, and block all the sunlight from the sparse independent houses that still remain. Wrapped in blankets, trying to fight off the melancholic gloom that accompanies the cold darkness, we curse the tyrannical manifestations of capitalism at our doorstep and long for freedom. Someone said, ‘Hawkes Bay?’ and we all cried in unison, “Yes, please!”

    Thanks to a rapidly piling list of epic adventures that our group of maternal cousins including their families had been logging lately, we were not afraid to pitch the idea to them first and see if it garnered interest. Their keen response sent us in a flurry of preparations necessary for a picnic on the beach. The night before, a Hiace had been rented, attires decided upon, a football packed in, and we were pretty much go for the day ahead. The cousins joined us the next morning with a cricket bat, badminton rackets and an assortment of indoor card and board games. Soon we piled up into the Hiace which, despite our doubts, proved spacious and sufficiently comfortable for our purposes. The formidable driver glided over the potholed roads of Karachi. A fateful turn towards the Turtle Beach proved disappointing with its nondescript beachfront and pocket breaking hut rents. We now turned to the Hawkes Bay, missed it once, almost barged into the French Beach but were fought off by the valiant guards protecting elite interests from commoners, returned once again to the Hawkes Bay and eventually found a budget-friendly hut with an exotic beachfront (after at least half a dozen hut evaluations). Without wasting a second, we offloaded, tiptoed over the round ocean stones and ran off in the warm sand to the shimmering blue calling waves.

    The sun shone brightly and we were so deprived that the kids rolled on the sand and made sandcastles, couples walked hand-in-hand along the waves lapping up against their feet, then we all played cricket and dodge-the-ball, and juggled some football. The fair ladies shrugged off the looming threat of sunburn and turned the beach into a show of colors with their spectacular cricket performances. The Biryani from the nearby hotel shack tasted delicious and so did the evening tea with baqir khanis. From the beach, a long brown rock pier trailed away from the sand and the civilization behind it, into the majestic sea now reflecting a deeper shade of blue in the slanting rays of the sinking sun. As it began to cool off, we all headed to the rock pier to spend our final moments reflecting on the nature and capturing it in our camera frames.

    Since Nani Ami believes in leaving a place better than one entered it which also strikes a chord with me, we did our bit in cleaning the beach and picked some 25 kg of plastics and fishing net out of the sea.

    The city remained in turmoil that afternoon as more protests erupted due to mass killings of an ethnic minority last month. I reached home safely thanking God for being given another day and wondering if all Karachiites develop some sort of religious disposition and learn to be grateful for, what the first world may consider, ‘as little as’ merely survival. As I continue to reflect on where I want to settle and put down my roots, Karachi remains a formidable candidate in a list of international cities. May be I can live and thrive and escape harm my entire remaining life in a city fraught with violence as I did yesterday. Regardless of what the future holds, this fantastic trip has largely allayed my crippling fear of moving with the family in Karachi for now, not because the security situation has gotten any better but because I’m finding it home.

  • Longing for Kashmir

    Upper Neelum

    It was 8 Oct, yesterday. Exactly a year ago, we had left Islamabad for a fantastic trip to Kashmir. From my son to his great-grandparents, there were four generations of my family packed in a 14-seater brand-new Mitsubishi coaster that sailed effortlessly through the scenic mountains of the Northern Areas. The memories of that trip have recently been tantalizing me to plan another trip to the North. As a tribute to the Kashmir trip, my sister-in-law made a melodious montage and I translated my poem, Cooling Vesuvius, into Urdu. I wrote it while having a cup of tea with my wife in a ramshackle dhaba by a road in Muzaffarabad that snaked up to the tomb of St Chinasi.

    تمہارے ساتھ ایک کپ چائے
    مجھے فرینک او ہارا کی مشہور نظم یاد دلا رہی ہے
    ‘‘Having a Coke with You’’
    اکتوبر کی یہ خنک ڈھلتی شام
    دور نارنجی افق پر
    ہمالیہ کے عظیم پہاڑوں کے نقوش ثبت کر رہی ہے
    اور ہم
    تاریکی میں ڈوبتے حسین سائرس بادلوں
    اور ان پر دھیرے دھیرے طلوع ہونے والے  نۓ چاند
    اور شاندار شمالی ستارے کے  نیچے
    اپنی پیالیاں تھامے
    جھلملاتے مظفر آباد سے کوسوں اوپر
    مسحور کھڑے ہیں
    ہمارے چینی مٹی کے برتنوں سے اٹھنے والی بھاپ
    ہماری گرم سانسوں کے سرد دھوئیں میں ضم ہو کر
    خوبصورت خط و خال بنا رہی ہے
    جیسے دور کوئی ہوائی جہاز
    ایک کہنہ مشق مصور کی مانند
    آسمان میں سفید لکیریں کھینچ رہا ہو
    ہمارے ساتھ سے گزرتی، بل کھاتی یہ سڑک
    جو پیر  چناسی کے مزار تک جاتی ہے
    مجھے نیپلز میں واقع
    کوہ ویسوویئس کی چوٹی تک جاتی
    ایک ایسی ہی سڑک کی یاد دلاتی ہے
    وہی ویسوویئس
    جس کے آتش فشاں نے ہزاروں سال پہلے
    بدکردار پومپی کو دفن کر دیا تھا ۔
    شاید تم سوچتی ہو گی
    کہ ہمارا تعلق بھی
    اسی ویسوویئس کی طرح
    دھیرے دھیرے سرد پڑ رہا ہے
    جسے اب اس کے دامن میں واقع
    نیپلز کا پر آ شوب شہر بھی
    کوئی خطرہ نہیں گردانتا
    اگرچہ ماہرین ارضیات اب بھی ویسوویئس کو ‘فعال’ کہتے ہیں۔
    ایک فعال آتش فشاں کیا ہی اچھا ہے
    اگر اس سے کوئی ڈرتا نہیں ، تم سوچتی ہو گی ؟
    مگر میرا خیال ہے
    ویسوویئس بہرحال  ویسوویئس ہے۔
    ٹیررھنین سمندر کے ساکن پانیوں کے ساتھ
    نیپلز کے ساحل پر ایستادہ
    ایک منفرد، دیو مالائی پہاڑ
    جسے اپنی عظمت ثابت کرنے کے لیے
    راکھ اور شعلوں میں بھڑکنے کی ضرورت نہیں ۔
    یا ہو سکتا ہے تم ٹھیک سمجھتی ہو
    ہم شاید واقعی بدل چکے ہیں
    جوشیلے محبت کرنے والوں سے  اچھے دوستوں میں ۔
    اگر یہ سچ  بھی ہے تو اس میں کوئی مضاُقہ  نہیں
    مجھے واقعی یہ زیادہ پسند ہے۔
    کیا تمہیں نہیں ؟

  • A Walk in the Jamshed Quarters

    Saadat was not an easy catch.

    Ever since he had left, he appeared to be on the run. Away from the familiar faces. From the dreadful “whys”. From a hauntingly good career that was bad in personal ways. From himself. Toward himself.

    It took me half a dozen attempts to eventually get him to see me over a cup of tea one weekend last month. The plan was to catch up on the past year and a half in my favourite place in Karachi, the TDF Ghar rooftop cafe, while watching the metropolitan sunset skies spanning over the bustling MA Jinnah Rd. As I showed up ahead of time to make a reservation, I was barred from going upstairs by a barista saying Saturdays were family-only. I chuckled to him that he’d sure as hell let me in if I paired up with one of the girls roaming about. He nodded back in all seriousness leaving no doubt in our deal being a no-go tonight.

    Saadat showed up almost on time in khakis and a tartan plaid button-down, carrying his usual charismatic smile, looking cheerful and vivacious; certainly not a deer in the headlights. I have visited old friends before, only to find out I did not recognize them anymore but Saadat was a relief to see. People perhaps take longer to change beyond recognition. It’s perhaps even selfish to expect they wouldn’t change when we don’t have the faintest idea of what’s going on in their lives. I cleared up my head clouding with philosophical queries. I had to be in the moment. For the sake of this rare weekend away from work, the sunset smelling of sea and life, the streets of old Karachi before me as inviting as a ripe woman and an old friend who’s still recognizable!

    Now that our evening tea in the cafe was down the drain, I remembered I had a shoe to be mended so we took off in the labyrinthine streets under the lavendar skies of Jamshed Quarters in search of a road-side cobbler. Our mundane conversation happened in the music of silencer-less bikes sputtering away, birds getting noisy on a tree beside a street-shrine of sorts and the melodious azaan for Maghreb prayers. Under the curious stares of street dogs, loafing teens and disapproving worshippers, off we walked and wondered if cafes and their expensive food were any better than the poetry of the narrow streets and the twilight shadows floating through them.

    Besides being a friend, Saadat has been a really interesting character to me ever since he has taken “the decision”. The way he risked his comfort, security and status, basically all he had deservedly achieved in his early twenties, over a ‘turn of pitch-and-toss’ is reminiscent of the poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling. He wouldn’t have someone dictate their terms to him which is quite bossy, if you ask me, and manly if you ask Kipling. It’s something that sets him apart from the crowd. I value this rarity in a man.

    Anyway, as the twilight gave way to the pitch dark of the night, and the familiar shadows started lurking in distance, we decided to call it a night. As long as he’s here, I look forward to seeing him as often as I can, or not at all if he can’t; but I’m more interested in preserving the endless meetups and conversations we have already had. They hold enough drama and humor to last a lifetime; as long as I’m able to preserve.

  • Beyond

    A younger cousin asked me this week.

    After school, graduation, a job, marriage, a child… Have you scratched the bottom of the well? I’m curious because I haven’t thought about much after marriage and a child. You’re already past that so what are you looking forward to now?
    Hope that all makes sense.

    Of course it does make sense. It’s hardly been a decade since I have crossed the threshold of teenage and this was pretty much all I could think of too. Back in the days, I visited Sufi meditation cults, joined discussion circles of idealogues planning on reviving the caliphate and attended resident workshops of a LUMS’ professor working for Muslim Renaissance in order to find my own, unique calling. I now miss those days for my cynic, firm and passionate religiosity but more so, for the freedom I had to pick a path and then change it. The freedom we all lose a little with every passing second by virtue of the very nature of time itself. The future looked daunting to me but also equally enthralling. I could be anyone and be anywhere. The advertisment of Turkish Airlines on the Readers Digest back cover always had me daydreaming of the future:

    Too many places to be
    Too many faces to see

    In spite of those days tinged with the delicious flavor of infinite freedom, I secretly yearned to settle down. I saw my university professors hard at work through their lab windows at nights and ached for a job to consume me and pay me well for it. Yes, it has been an eventful decade in that I managed to check off quite a number of items on the success-checklist (if there exists such a thing at all). Having scored a decent job and started a family of my own, it may seem like I have ‘scratched the bottom of the well’. Yours is an interesting question asking me what’s next. To be honest, I haven’t given much thought to it myself.

    I think as you move on in life, even if you get lucky and everything turns out to be amazing for you as it did for me, unfortunately you don’t get to stay there as you’re still moving on after all. The happiest moments soon become a thing of the past as the euphoria of an achievement gives way to a new normal, raising the bar. You realize happiness is a mirage and find yourself wondering if there’s a deeper purpose to life than chasing it. Plus, as time goes by, happiness too is harder to come by.

    As you climb up the career ladder, your job starts to encroach more on your family time and you basically find yourself juggling between that and family and any of your personal interests (for me, these are fitness and literature). Weekends become your only refuge from this tedium and exhaustion when you can actually give time to the latter two. Yes, sometimes, during a morning run while running on a splendid dirt trail into the rising sun, as the sky erupts into red flames raging in blue ocean, life does seem beautiful and intriguing. Even lovable, perhaps. You start to live from one such moment to the next.

    I once looked forward to ‘settling down’ but the routine is gradually wearing me down. The cost of my static, well paying job is starting to outweigh its charm. I find myself dreaming once again of traveling the world; of a stylishly dressed Turkish air hostess wearing a red beret and head scarf on an old Reader’s Digest back cover with a poetic tagline reminding me what I had forgotten for long – there were too many places to be and too many faces to see.

    I also think I have discovered a lot of things I’m good at but I’m yet to discover the one where I’d produce excellence. The very excellence that my university professors produced working like a bee in their labs. Their faces gleamed with a strange expression I could never put a finger on as they locked their labs each night and ventured glowing into the darkness. I think it’s the eternal search for the unknown which keeps us relevant; gleaming. The voyage is important and the destination, perhaps, just secondary. I’ve been waiting too long at the destination for miracles to happen. Now I need to plunge. From all kinds of comfort. Into chaos. To find my very own voyage and more so, the courage to embark on it. And for that, I believe, I’m ready.

  • Adieu

    A fond adieu to a beautiful home

    Leaving the service quarters temporarily allotted on an assignment after you are posted out to a new place should not feel as blue as this photograph of the pomegranate tree stannding just outside in the compund lawn.

  • The Auburn Fall and a Verse

    Here’s another October heralding the onset of perhaps my favourite season i.e. autumn. While taking a leisurely stroll in the front lawn of our apartment building, as I walked over the withering, auburn leaves accompanied by the music of their melodious rustle, I took this photograph to save the beauty and timelessness of the fleeting moment and reflect on the nature’s eternal cycle of life and rejuvenation in the busy coming days as I was soon leaving home yet again for another job assignment that would finish by December.

    Photograph: The Auburn Fall

    I shared the photograph with a friend who commented on it with an Urdu verse which I thought was very apt and when he told me it was his own and he had just come up with it tout de suite, I was almost surprised and fell in love with it.

    یہ تیرا بکھرے پتوں کا ذوق
    میری بکھری زندگی کی داستان

    Your taste for scattered leaves,
    (Explains) the story of my scattered life

    That man has been my friend since early school years and that he had a poetic side to him was never known to me even after our countless conversational night walks through the narrow, partially paved streets of the desert town where we both lived and contemplated the meaning of life and it’s various themes for quite a number of years.

    This just gives me another reason to suspend my judgements in a world full of surprises. Being ephemeral beings, the comfort of the certainty of knowing someone or something completely is simply not for us. Let’s bask in this fundamental limitation of all our knowledge and help create a better, more tolerant world.

    Happy October!

  • Xoxo & Goodbyes

    One of my foremen used to wear a premium, jet black baseball cap with silvery bold letters ‘xoxo’ printed right on its front. The first time he wore it to my office, i studied his face for any sign of humor but all I could find was his usual, blissfully ignorant, childlike morning smile. From that day on, everytime he visited me, which was a lot of times in a day since he is my direct subordinate, I would find myself smiling. Our conversations would go something like:

    Foreman: Salam Sir

    I: Wassalam come sadaqat noticing the silvery xoxo and beaming ear to ear

    Foreman: Sir you seem to be quite happy these days. You’re getting married, I suppose?

    I: Not really. It’s just your cap. I like it.

    Foreman: Sir the moment I saw it yesterday in a jumble sale in Attock, I knew I had to buy it. Looks good on me, sir. Doesn’t it?

    I: Yes it does. It does still smiling like crazy

    Foreman: But sir you don’t smile like that, I smell something fishy.

    I: It’s just that I haven’t seen you wearing anything fancy like that before. You got taste.

    The man has just proceeded for retirement a couple of weeks before and the office is not the same anymore. As I go in to work each day and look at the sea of dull, weary faces around, I miss that refreshing child-like grin under the silvery xoxo front of a black baseball cap. I hope that smile, wherever it is, keeps shining through all the dullness around.

  • My Guide

    The Sabres were notorious in the college for running a daunting pace in rigid flight-formation at 6 am each morning (except Sundays), and the rule for the freshers was too simple to be misunderstood – lead us and if you stop, you’ll be run over by us.

    I still remember my first cross-country vividly. Merely an eighth grader then, i told my guide that i would literally die if i ran any farther. A strong runner himself, guiding me through the long, snaky track of my first cross-country, he informed me quietly that nobody had ever died running. He was right. I made it. Alive.

    The sophomores were appointed as guides over freshmen in their first year as pre-cadets, and though they retired from this responsibility after a year, i continued to look up to my guide for many years to come. There were many reasons for that. Most important of them all being, unlike most seniors, he would not treat me like a bloody junior. Naturally, when you are away from home and parents and a life that’s normal, at an age as tender as twelve, there is a vacuum inside of you so unfathomably great that it draws you into anyone who is least bit nice to you. This explains why i could not imagine running a cross-country without him. Besides, he had always made the ordeal look so easy. I don’t know if he always ran like that but ever since i started to run with him, he ran at a stride manageable for me to match – strong yet magically peaceful. Running with him always meant finishing at a decent place and saving your lungs some suffering.

    The years kept rolling by and we gained enough seniority to be allowed to run independently from the flight formation. So we often broke off in the start and ran ahead. And so did all the elites of the college. Though our paces had gained greater strength over the years, somehow we still fell short of what was needed to be the top-notch elite. Over these years, i noticed one thing though: running with Azeem had grown increasingly easier – almost effortless. I never told him that though, out of his reverence and besides, there was some kind of comfort in running by his side, so i let the things the way they were running on the track.

    One morning, when i spotted him running in his usual, favorite place – the geometric center of the broken pack, i hastened towards him, matched his stride and fell into the blissful meditative peace that he always carried about himself. That morning, my legs felt like freshly greased hinges, though – too fluid, too runny. A couple of wannabes blasted past us. I felt my adrenaline surging so i asked Azeem if he could pick up the pace a bit. He struggled but didn’t sustain it. Assuming that he did not want to run any faster, I asked if he would like to increase the length of his stride at least. He looked at me, gave me a subtle nod, opened up his legs and soon he was flying. What else could i want! I opened up mine and before long, we were overtaking the elite of the elite. I almost felt like a raven gliding – effortlessly navigating a step behind him through the throng, overwhelmed by the joy of our newly discovered speed.

    The track had a rigid hierarchy firmly established by years of cross-countries which had taken place on it and though upsets kept happening, they were often very small and everybody generally finished where they had been over the years. Now imagine you manage to destroy that revered hierarchy and are being gaped at by boys in total awe. It was euphoric. It didn’t last long, though. Azeem slowed down to a slog, all of a sudden. When I looked at him questioningly, my worst fear materialized: he was grimacing in pain. The only thing he said to me was: keep that pace.

    When I broke off from him, it almost felt like i was betraying the camaraderie of several years. But disobeying him was out of the question. I told myself he had wanted me to do this. So i gained my focus back and ran really hard. That day, for the first time in my life i caught up with Zargham – the most furious runner of the college. Though he sprinted away in the final stretch anyway, having reeled him in from such a lead was some feat!

    Azeem had seen the duel from behind and was really happy about it. He said he always knew i had it in me. I asked him angrily why he had slowed down, and that i couldn’t fathom he too had limits. He laughed and said, all flesh and bones had.

    That day on, he never ran with me.

    But you hear that, Azeem? I call you my guide still!

  • جواب شکوہ

    یہ خط ‘ ایک ساتھی لکھاری کے خط “تمہارے نام” کے جواب میں لکھا گیا ہے۔

    ابھی کل ہی احمد ملنے آیا۔ بڑا ہو گیا ہے۔ بالکل میرا ناک نقشہ ہے۔ بس آنکھیں تمہاری ہیں۔ ثمینہ دفتر سے رات گئے لوٹتی ہے۔ وہ آیا تو گھر میں بس میں ہی تھا۔ اور تمہاری دو بُھوری آنکھیں۔ رات کھانے کے بعد ایک عجیب سوال پوچھنے لگا- ‘کیا آپ کو اب بھی امی سے محبت ہے؟’ میز پر سکوت طاری تھا۔ پھراس کا سوال ہمارے بیچ دلدلی مچھر کی طرح بھنبھنانے لگا۔

    یاد ہے بچپن میں ٹائم مشین کے بارے میں بہت سوال کرتا تھا۔ کہنے لگا پاپا اگر آپ ٹائم مشین سے پچیس سال پیچھے لوٹ جائیں تو کیا اس بار خود کو بدل سکیں گے؟ مدتوں بعد اس کی زبان سے یوں ‘پاپا’ سننا مجھے بہت اچھا لگا۔ تم تو جانتی ہو رات کا کھانا سگریٹ کے بغیر میرے حلق سے نہیں اترتا۔ میں نے حسبِ عادت میز پر سگریٹ سُلگا کر ایک کش لگایا۔ نجانے ایک دم اسے کیا ہوا’ ایک جھٹکے سے اٹھا اور یہ کہتے ہوئے چلا گیا کہ پاپا آپ کبھی نہیں بدلیں گے۔ میں نے اسے روکا نہیں۔ تمہیں بھی نہیں روکا تھا۔

    ‘سوچتا ہوں شاید اس نے غور سے سگریٹ نہیں دیکھا ہوگا۔ مارون بہت مہنگا ہو گیا ہے’ اب ڈپلومیٹ پیتا ہوں

    اپنا اور بچوں کا خیال رکھنا۔