Tag: life
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The inseparable H’s
Hashir’s obsession with the kid next door i.e. Hafsa is getting out of hand these days. She is an adorable and intelligent seven year old who happens to visit us frequently. When she doesn’t for a day, you find Hashir raving like this.
He’s apparently calling “Hafsa” 
The sombre play-mates 
Kids in black -
The Auburn Fall and a Verse
Here’s another October heralding the onset of perhaps my favourite season i.e. autumn. While taking a leisurely stroll in the front lawn of our apartment building, as I walked over the withering, auburn leaves accompanied by the music of their melodious rustle, I took this photograph to save the beauty and timelessness of the fleeting moment and reflect on the nature’s eternal cycle of life and rejuvenation in the busy coming days as I was soon leaving home yet again for another job assignment that would finish by December.

Photograph: The Auburn Fall I shared the photograph with a friend who commented on it with an Urdu verse which I thought was very apt and when he told me it was his own and he had just come up with it tout de suite, I was almost surprised and fell in love with it.
یہ تیرا بکھرے پتوں کا ذوق
میری بکھری زندگی کی داستانYour taste for scattered leaves,
(Explains) the story of my scattered lifeThat man has been my friend since early school years and that he had a poetic side to him was never known to me even after our countless conversational night walks through the narrow, partially paved streets of the desert town where we both lived and contemplated the meaning of life and it’s various themes for quite a number of years.
This just gives me another reason to suspend my judgements in a world full of surprises. Being ephemeral beings, the comfort of the certainty of knowing someone or something completely is simply not for us. Let’s bask in this fundamental limitation of all our knowledge and help create a better, more tolerant world.
Happy October!
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43 Notifications
There was a time
when a seductive, blood-red
Facebook notification
would trigger in me
waves of dopamine
which flooded my bloodstream
like amiodarone, lidocaine
and a handful other
difficult-to-spell drugs
which i hope
you never learn to spell,
as they enter my papa
through an IV cannula
while he lies sedated
amidst beeping, blinking screens
and a flock of apathetic doctors
desensitized by
too much disease
too less equipment
and too often death.
For too long
I have been addicted
to that dopamine
while aching for interactions
meaningful enough
for a homosapien
to carry on
the futility, monotony
called modern life.
But now I ask
if that really is “enough”.
If, in my ten days of inactivity,
43 notifications
of a virtual book club’s activities,
of the memes I have been tagged in
made by sullen,
self loathing, suicidal teens
that are ironically intent
on making their viewers laugh,
of unreferenced, unverifiable anecdotes
no better than oldwives tales,
of pandemic-related quackery
both religious and secular,
of birthdays of people
I haven’t seen in years,
of friend requests by
people I don’t recognize,
really mean anything.
It’s silly how important
we think we are,
when we are nothing
more than
43 notifications. -
Your serpentine curls
When fresh from the shower
your black serpentine curls
fall down to your waist
like hot Icelandic springs
And your fragrance spreads
like Mongols on fire
When your chapped winter lips
quiver with sadness
and you rush to the kitchen
to hide your tears
When your shores
are gently washed
with waves upon waves
of musical laughter
When you speak Urdu
with an intonation so lovely
and infinitely Punjabi
I could listen, captivated,
for eternities on end
When you’re strong and ripping apart
When you’re vulnerable and falling apart
I fall in love with you
quietly; like you and I,
our love cannot be much different
from us.
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Hashir
Meet Hashir. The tiny owner and CEO of the Shit and Spit Factory (my wife came up with this comic name tonight). Born in turbulent times amidst fears of an impending nuclear war, outbreak of the deadly nCov virus and subsequent global recession, he can currently afford to be blissfully ignorant of the turmoil around while his father (i.e. I) takes the brunt of war deployments, salary cuts and overtime hours. Regardless, Hashir has been a bundle of absolute joy for me and taught me more about love in the past 6 months than Pablo Neruda ever did. That love is effortless. That its incremental and sacrificial. One day, I understand it will be painful. And maybe Neruda will be helpful then. But for now, I’d rather bask in its pleasure than wait for the inevitable pain. Did I just talk about the taboo on the eve of my son’s half birthday? Yes, I think the prospect of separation (death or otherwise) brings perspective to communion. It reminds us that humans can still commit to love when they’re aware of its devastation.
I love you, son. And I thank you for restoring my trust in my ability to engage in unconditional love. Happy half birthday!
Hashir – Day 180 -
Mevlana
I’ve an unresolved affinity for Maulana Rumi (Mevlana in Turkish) – an intuition that he might be the only saviour I will ever have. I taught myself basic Persian 3 years ago only to read his Masnavi and I still haven’t read it.
What if he doesn’t live up to my expectations of him? What if I fail to live up to his?
Konya is home to Rumi therefore, it was hard to come to Istanbul and forget Konya. Though I couldn’t visit it during my first layover in Istanbul while traveling to Italy, I made sure I see it on my way back. If you’re traveling to Europe from Pakistan and are interested in visiting Mevlana, Turkish Airlines will be your cheapest bet. After landing in Istanbul, you’ll have to take domestic flights for Konya and back because it is not an international airport.

Landing in Konya on an overcast day. Taurus mountains can be seen in a distance. Besides being a small public airport, Konya is also a military base so I could spot Turkish Air Force’s C-130s on the tarmac while my plane taxied to the terminal. I had already booked a motel room near Mevlana Türbesi (Rumi’s tomb) earlier while departing from Milan. Soon after I had landed in Konya, i realized my European sim wasn’t exactly functional here and the natives wouldn’t understand English. I could very well see a disaster unfold – how on earth was I going to navigate my way to my motel and then to Mevlana’s tomb if not with the internet or a local guide understanding my language? Thanks to Mevlana though; he became my guide, my host. All I had to say to the passport control at Istanbul airport, the bus driver, the pedestrians, the random strangers, the beggars and the prostitutes of Konya, was the word “Mevlana”. It seemed to be a word from some universal language. A word powerful enough to warm up a stranger to another, a host to a guest, a guide to a lost traveler. Not long after, I was in my motel with Mevlana just 400 meters east.
I spent that night in conflicting emotions. It was not exactly spiritual, to say the least. The room next to mine was occupied by a couple who started to let off their steam right after I unlocked the door to my room. I flipped open the Masnavi in my phone to distract myself and tried to read it over the loud thrusting and moaning but eventually had to give in, put my phone aside and wait for them to finish.
Next morning, I set off early before sunrise. Remember I had no internet so I navigated my way in the morning twilight like ancient wayfarers and caravan guides with the rising pinkish hues on the horizon being my sole sense of direction for east. I went about my usual way, preferring narrow streets over wide roads every time I had a choice. This might have taken me long but led to some hidden treasures too.

Nar-i-Ask – a small streetside art gallery I came upon. Nar-i-Ask is a Persian word, written here in Latin and Arabic script, meaning “The fire of love” Eventually one of the streets left me at a wide traffic-less intersection and a huge structure stood in the middle of it. I knew I had reached somewhere important. My heart skipped a beat – it could be Mevlana Türbesi.

The western front of Cami Selimiye – a minaret of Rumi’s tomb can be seen at it’s back (to the right) I soon realized it was not. I walked past the intersection and around the building to reach the courtyard in its front. The wall inscription beside the door read “Cami Selimiye”. The architecture was similar to the mosques of Istanbul and the tiled space stretching in front of it seemed more like a public square due to its vastness.

I was confused. Though magnificent it was in its own right, i was too close to the Rumi’s tomb to be happy for finding Cami Selimiye. Mevlana was nowhere to be seen. Or so I thought. Upon my inquiry, the street selling woman sitting on the stairs outside the Cami, told me what I saw to my left was in fact my destination. I zoomed out and yes, there it was. I had probably mistaken it to be an extension of Cami in spite of its very distinct architecture.

It was a moment of epiphany, regret, happiness, sadness – quite a turmoil of emotions. I wanted a close up of Mevalana’s final resting place.
My return flight was 1000 hrs and the tomb was to open for visitors at 0900 hrs so this is the closest I got to Mevlana. I could see a series of small minarets of Mevlana’s tomb from the courtyard and wondered what life would be like for dervishes in the cells underneath them.Perhaps I was too impure to be let inside. Mevlana might have wanted me to read his Masnavi first before visiting him. So be it. I turn back.
I’ll see you again, Mevlana.
I took some steps then turned instinctively, one final time, perhaps to etch the memory of this place forever in my mind.

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Peace
If it were up to me
I would wish you peace
of all the things in the world
because it’s been too long
that you’ve been fighting
unknown battles on faraway fronts.
I can see you
wearing out
breaking down
as the hands of clock
are running round;
living the battles alone
I had once hoped
to fight by your side.
As I lay now
in my comfortable chaise longue
and you wounded,
perhaps mortally,
in a distant battlefield,
I try to write
a string of words
a prayer or a wish
that might comfort you
against the ugly dance
of raging death.
There are n number
of beautiful words
you could say
to a parting friend
but I know
for you
“peace” is not one
“not till your last breath”,
you had said.
A warrior you lived
and you hope to die
nothing less.
So I’d wish you instead
all the pretty four lettered words
starting from “luck”
and taking the liberty
to end
with “love”.
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Mediocrity
ٰAs I am advancing in years, the transition seems more from abstraction into concreteness than in age, really. I preferred to think of myself as some sort of a prodigy, a precocious savior of humanity who is prowling in the dark alleys, waiting for his time to rise and shine. Unfortunately, as it turned out, neither the alleys were particularly dark nor was I, the brightest kid in town. And as this much-loathed realization of mediocrity – the sense that I lie somewhere right under the geometric center of the bell curve of any imaginable global statistical survey – hits home, I am left with an ominous question mark on my own identity – if I am not the top guy, who really am I? My fixation on being the best, shaped partly by my father and partly by my own idealism, had been so strong that it took the form of a purpose to me until I realized that being the best is not always viable for me.
So as the fog starts to clear up, I realize that you can’t satisfy yourselves by standing on a victory stand in every competition life throws at you. Victory stands are in fact the biggest distractions for ambitious men. Competions are to be chosen wisely. When you are 27 years old and you can see life slipping out of your clenched fist like river sand, it becomes a critical question: which avenue of life deserves your attention, time and effort. You cant give everything your everything. You have to be selective. You are not limitless. You are mediocre. Let it sink. Yes, you are. Hard though it might be to register but believing in this is the only way you can amount to anything meaningful, anything worthwhile.

